


Unmarked

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: Belize Shadow [4]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Derdrian, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Insomnia, M/M, Remorse, confused feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 06:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11618133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: A little nightly angst for Deran taking place some time after coming out to Smurf, but before season 2, episode 8.OH! I almost forgot: If you have any requests, just tell me and I'll see if I can make something <3





	Unmarked

_”I saw Dave yesterday. He's got some kind of infection in his lungs. He's back in the hospital.”_  
_”You guys still...?”_  
_”Nope. ”_  
_”Maybe we could go to the D.R.? You know, go in December, surf Encuentro…”_  
  
Deran rubs his face and turns the pillow for the umptenth time. He’s not seen Adrian since the bar’s opening night and to be honest, Deran was more than a little surprised to see him there. Being away from Smurf means there’s place left in his mind to actually think and not just act, and Deran hates it.  
  
_”I just want it to be okay. I just want it to be okay, I just want it to be okay, please? Please!”_  
  
Growing up under Smurf’s roof, doesn’t exactly make a good ground for developing a normal kind of conscience – and certainly not normal relationships – but this is all on Deran. On him alone. He can’t blame Smurf, Craig or bad luck – hell, at least half of his family seemed to have known about his big secret all along without ever talking about it – this time. It’s all on him.  
  
_”I don’t give a shit who you have sex with, man, why did you think I invited him?”_  
  
How long had Craig known? Who else knows? Pope? Baz? J doesn’t really count. He didn’t tell Smurf though. She knew, but not because of J.  
  
_”I’m gay.”_  
_”Sweetheart… It’s gonna be okay, baby.”_  
_”It’s not okay… Cause I can’t fuck you. Isn’t that what you want? To feel like that’s what I want?”_  
  
The bedsheet is sweaty and moves around the mattress in uncomfortable wrinkles. Being all occupied with the bar has given Deran a much needed break from… everything, actually. He may be an asshole, but he’s not blaming Adrian for turning him down. The fact that he’s even still talking to him, is kind of amazing in it’s own.  
  
Being alone, not the kind of trapped in your own head alone, but actually alone in his own place, working on his own shit and not having Smurf involved, has given Deran a much needed sense of peace. All his life, he’s been taught he can’t do anything on his own, that he’ll always have to depend on Smurf in the end to get somewhere and it’s not until now, as he’s finally free of her – as free as one can be of a narcissistic hawk dressed out as a mother – that he feels like he’s actually moving on. Like he’s the one getting himself somewhere, not just being pulled or carried.  
  
_”You wanna come inside? Come on in. You want me to come to a party? I'll be there. Or we can go surfing... Go to Belize. Whatever you want, man. You're in charge. You made that clear.”_  
  
Of all the things going wrong, all the shitty things he’s done that Adrian listed up, this hurt the most. Acting like you’re in charge of and entitled to someone else’s feelings, is all Smurf’s trademark. That’s how she marks her life stock, making them all living in constant fear of loosing her affection, the right to belong and by that also earn love. Adrian is the only person Deran’s been close to, who he’s not been dependent of. This, as pathetic as it is, is the one relationship Deran’s ever had, when he’s been in charge. Or at least, acted like he was.  
  
_”You can’t make me feel something I don’t.”_  
  
No, cause that’s Deran’s thing. Trying to feel things he doesn’t feel. And Smurf’s thing. Making other people feel like she’s the only one who’s not expendable. The way Deran has treated Adrian makes him feel more rotten than he’s ever felt about anything. Whatever he feared was gonna happen if Smurf found out, non of it justified beating Adrian up or having Pope throwing Dave of a boat.  
  
It’s not that Deran has any personal feelings of concern for Dave’s wellfare or is laying awake because of the lung infection Adrian told him about, not at all. Being brought up by Smurf, means you’re taught that when money or lies can’t give you what you want, you use brutal force. If someone stands in your way, you make him or her disappear. Not by murdering them – that’s the absolute last option and you should be smarter than that – but by scaring people off. Strike swift, unexpected and hard enough to scare the living shit out the guy, and let the threat of what could happen do the rest. The same way works no matter if it’s a total stranger or a family member.  
  
That said, if you’ve not been allowed to feel anything for people outside family for eighteen years, cutting the navel string, building up a real relationship and realising other people are not pieces on a gameboard you can move around or take out with a smart move because they’re in your way, is uncharted seas. Adrian has shown he’s done being moved around as Deran pleases, that there’s a limit for how much shit he will swallow for the sake of friendship and some long sinced passed weeks in Belize.  
  
_”I met him two months ago.”_  
_”Yeah, like I give a shit.”_  
  
Honestly, there are not many things Deran’s given even half as much shit about as Adrian. He deserves someone better than Deran, someone like that idiot Dave who can take him out to fucking dinners, hold hands and kiss in public and…  
  
”… _gonna fag it up at Pottery Barn and get matching dishes and shit?”_  
_”Do you even hear yourself? How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that?”_  
  
The memories don’t come in chronological order, they’re messy and unpredictable. The only pattern to be seen, is Adrian and the guilt that is so much harder to ignore when Smurf isn’t around. Not being a complete asshole is a farcry from being a good guy and not hating yourself is not the same as loving, or even liking yourself. Not keep on breaking things doesn’t make already destroyed ones whole again. The best thing Deran’s ever done for Adrian, is keeping away from him, what does that say about their relationship? Of Deran?  
  
It’s not that Adrian’s an angel. You can’t have too many scruples to begin with, if you decide to stay this close with a guy as far away from decent and honest living as Deran Cody. Adrian isn’t stupid, he knows what kind of life Deran and his brothers are living, even if he’s never been interested in getting involved. He’s no squealer, he’s not interested in any of the Cody’s business and that’s probably what’s made Smurf allowing this ”friend outside family” to be left alone. Adrian is… untouched in a way nothing and no one else in Deran’s life is. Well, maybe the bar. That’s all his, Smurf has nothing to do with it, even if she tried to.  
  
It’s almost four in the morning and Deran has to stop thinking and get some fucking sleep. He leaves the bed and pours himself some scotch from his private pantry, that isn’t part of the bar supplies. Cheap ass stuff only to get drunk enough to get tired or stupid. Deran finishes three steady glasses of the damn liquid and gets back to bed. His mind stops spinning around, the images of Smurf and the rest of his family fade, but Adrian’s still there. Not accusive, angry or even fed up. Just calm, serious and with that small, slightly sad, smile he’s given Deran every now and then since Belize. The look of someone who doesn’t hate himself, never has, and doesn’t feel ashamed for what he wants. For wanting Deran.  
  
_”No, not guys. Just you.”_  
  
The lie had been so obvious it’s a wonder Adrian didn’t call him out.  
  
Because of course it’s guys. Just no one like Adrian and Deran realised that all too late.


End file.
